Safety begets trust. Trust begets safety.*

How important are safety and trust?  Whether it is a work team, a community or a family, trust and safety are essential for reaching goals, deepening relationships, continued learning and reconciliation.  People know when they feel safe and if they are able to trust though definitions may vary.  Ironically each quality is needed to build the other.  They are easy to take for granted until lost or broken.

We often come to appreciate the presence of trust and safety, within the context of a dialogue, after we have experienced their absence!  In her book, In Search of Human Nature, author Mary Clark observes that in the move to be "efficient" we have created systems that invite misunderstanding and conflict.
In 95% of the cases that Main Street mediates, "trust" is listed as an issue.  Once broken, trust takes time to rebuild.

Safety begets trust.  In a dialogue, safety is associated with freedom to speak, ask questions, raise concerns and admit not knowing.  One feels certain of support, and trusting that their words will not be used against them in the future.  Safe dialogues are creative and expansive.  People know they can take risks, be vulnerable and "land safely" (still feel respected).  When and how people come to feeling safe varies.

A skilled and "trustworthy" mediator can help the group to re-establish trust throughout a mediation in a myriad of ways.  From the beginning active listening and curiosity will ensure that the appropriate people are at the table.  Once in session, transparency and clarity about the process help to replace uncertainty with confidence.  Slowly, as the "unknown" is replaced with information and certainty, people open to the possibility of trust.  Ability to trust is a combination of head and heart. Trust is a feeling, yet also a decision; a willingness.

The next time distrust is experienced during a dialogue, try asking these questions:

• Is there a sense of good will?
• Is the person or group competent?
• Will there be follow through?
• Is there enough time?
• What am I contributing?

Safety and trust are dynamic and change in response to the variable of a situation.  Too often they are taken for granted until there is a problem.  Recognition of the balance needed to maintain trust and safety takes awareness, honesty, curiosity, and the willingness to do things differently.

*Hughes, P., Ruder, K. Nienow, D. Courageous Collaboration with Gracious Space.  Seattle:  Center for Ethical Leadership, 2011.

Charged Holiday Conversations

The holiday gatherings of November and December are almost here.  These happily anticipated events sometimes leave us with mixed feelings depending on how we handle those conversational curve balls, annoying, prying questions, offensive political views or life style perspectives that make us cringe.

Do political differences or strongly voiced opinions make you want to run for the hills?  Are there people to be avoided?  Can comments (yours or theirs) threaten composure or worse, harm the relationship?  Do you ever return home wishing you had listened more and talked less?

Something motivates us to speak to another person.  Think of this motivation as the goal.  What are our conversational goals?  What if we speculated about the other's goal in the conversation?  Typical goals include desire to be friendly, to persuade, to impress, to inform, to make a request, to more deeply understand, and to strengthen  the feeling of human connection.

Problems occur when these goals clash!  She wants to connect, he wants to report.  She wants to impress, he wants to fix.  One wants to persuade, the other wants to be heard.

Our feelings about ourselves diminish when our unconscious goals don't match our own actions.  We want to connect but we pass judgment.  We want to impress and we forget to listen.

Imagine you are at the annual holiday gathering and someone makes a demeaning observation that insults your perspective.

• A certain fraction of people respond quickly with a repartee that can be much like sport if both are similarly adept.  Sports have winners and losers.  Being quick witted has its advantages and disadvantages.  Is your conversational goal to be the winner, and thus the other a loser?
• Another portion of the population respond neutrally, not causing any ripples, yet move on to another conversation as soon as possible.  These people often tell me that they feel a loss of authenticity if this is repeated too often.
• Finally, everyone has experienced "getting into it" at some point, "caught off guard" by a comment, responding in an escalated fashion and feeling uncomfortable later.

Want to try something different?  Practice setting a goal in a non-threatening conversation.  (Is your goal to welcome, to be playful, to persuade, to connect?) Does it impact your own contributions to the conversations?  Does it impact the way you hear?  Do you have a hunch about the goal of the other person?  How do you feel after the conversation?

Try it again!  Practicing a communication strategy increases the likelihood that it will be remembered when it is most needed.